One of these regrets could well be is splitting up with my ex girlfriend, Natalie.
Up until I moved back to Wales, things were going fantastically between us, then I came home etc etc and things changed, I suddenly had to re - focus my attention on studying or if I failed to pass this year I’d be not in the position i am now.
It was my fault we split up, I was just getting more and more stressed by a) having to focus all my attention on studying, b) deal with a girlfriend who lived 50 miles away and who was trying to gain more independance, and c) have pressure from family to do the best that I could with this second chance.
So, I resigned myself to the fact that the relationship had to end, it was the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life, and I regret it now. Why? for 3 reasons:
1) Splitting up with Natalie probably did me more harm than good, I have frequent bursts of anxiety and depression, and some moments in my depression have made me near suicidal.
2) I feel like I’m burdening my friends with my social craving because I wanted to distract myself, It worked to a point: I forgot all about Natalie for the remainder of the academic year. Only now is it starting to dawn on me: I dumped her to try to make things better in my life, and failed.
3) I failed 1 module which I have to re-sit in August. My close family don’t know about it, as far as they are concerned I’ve passed (I’d not be writing this now otherwise). But in a way trying to get away from Natalie to study made me still fail a module because of my mental health. That’s my fault.
Sure, she was also wrong to assume we’d carry on as we were, and that I’d not be as sociable/busy as I had been in Hull, and that she couldn’t rely on me to help her with her independence while I was in Bangor, but she loved me. and I loved her.
I know she won’t read this, but I wanted to let my friends know the truth, and hope that one day I’ll be forgiven for doing what I did, and what I plan to do. One way or another I want to fix what I did.
